I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
should my penis look like a turkey
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
