I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Boobs are out for the taking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
