i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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