you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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