I faked an abortion last night.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize