Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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