So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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