you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
