Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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