My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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