Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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