there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If that was your dad, he is hot
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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