I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My cat gives me a boner
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
