escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
