she woke up with a sticky ear
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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