Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
