You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
