toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
