guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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