...so i touched it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
