And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
