Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
