so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
