do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
