I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize