a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
