I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize