The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
