You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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