Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
