My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
