my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
