Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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