considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
