'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
