you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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