Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
