so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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