Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
