My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
