Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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