Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
