One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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