I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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