someone threw a dead crab at me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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