I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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