I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it's like iHOP with fire
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize