Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
