I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So vagazzling was a success
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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