I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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