So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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