Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
