my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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