Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i think i have two assholes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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