Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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