my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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