WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I want to be your penis for a week.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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