I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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