How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
