So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
